What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 15:47
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ive learnt so much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I think the readers, may guess!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do I sweat so much after applying moisture or sun screen on my face? I have normal skin.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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She was in good health!
She married twice! .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So whats the point in blame.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
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She loved him until the end.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was scared of men, in general
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But ive been too sick for many years..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was seconnd youngest,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She found it foreign!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I write beautiful poetry .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He knew the spot.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were not on the streets..
But, we were locked up after school.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My family never makes their pension either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It was going to be , some day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I waited trembling.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
I don,t even have a pension.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I have no regrets .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So, i spoilt her more .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I never cut or harmed myself..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was very sick at this time too.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im still living with it.